A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question, “Mum, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mother and goes off to double-check this with his father, “Dad why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place and, as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”
The bloke says: “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
“Danny,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”
“I’m not,” he replied.
“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”
“No, not at all,” my friend responded.
“If you don’t mind my asking then, Danny,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”
“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, “I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”
I just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over to the other and said, “Blimey! Life is boring, we never have any fun these days. For £5, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up a £5 note.
As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. “How did you do?” asked his friend.
“Great!” he said, “I won first prize as a dried arrangement!”
“Mummy, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, darling. What’s on your mind?”
“Well, I’m already fourteen and I think it’s just proper that I should own one.”
“Own ‘one’ what?” the mother asked, suspiciously.
“A push-up bra.”
“But my nipples are already prominent and it’s catching attention.”
“I think it would be just proper at my age...”
“I said: no!”
“David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!”
When the day comes that you’re married, always remember, son:
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘no’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...
“Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now.”
The wife was counting all the 10 and 20 penny coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, “Wow, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?”
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she’d bought especially with him in mind. “You smell good, too,” she said. “What do you have on?”
“Well, I have a hard-on,” blurted the young man, “but I didn’t know that you could smell it!”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started!”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, try and relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that’s when the fight started…